Annual Conference Starts and Ends with High Conflict!
By New TAPM Members Donita Brown and Jay Crosson
Tennessee Association of Professional Mediators (TAPM) held their annual conference at Lipscomb University on March 27, 2009. Bill Eddy, President and co-founder of High Conflict Institute, presented “Mediations Involving High Conflict Personalities”. While Mr. Eddy cautioned the group on diagnosing a person with a Personality Disorder (PD) or having a High Conflict Personality, he pointed out that many challenging participants in mediation may exhibit PD traits.Common Issues with High Conflict Personalities/ PD include people who are rigid and uncompromising, have the inability to reflect on their own behavior, preoccupied with placing blame on others and are typically stuck in the “Anger” stage of the Healing Process (process is 1.Denial, 2.Anger, 3.Bargaining, 4.Depression and 5.Acceptance). Other common characteristics of this population are that they lack self-awareness and the ability to be flexible or adapt to situations. According to one study PDs comprise over 20% of the general population, yet Mr. Eddy believes they represent over 40% of parties in high conflict disputes.
There were 5 High Conflict Personalities reviewed:
1. Borderline – the “Love you, hate you” types
2. Narcissistic – “I’m Very Superior” types
3. Antisocial – “Con Artist” types
4. Histrionic – “Always Dramatic” types
5. Paranoid – “I’ll Always Mistrust You” types
10 Skills for Managing Clients with High Conflict Personalities
1. Lowing your expectations for change
- Lowering your expectations for their change will lower your own stress. Remind yourself that they are probably doing the best they can with the process and that they have been a high conflict personality their entire life!
2. Listening to highly-insistent emotions (without getting hooked)
- High conflict personalities are looking for people to side with them, it is important when working with these clients to not get hooked, as these clients will be seeking a dependent relationship with you.
- Use the E.A.R Method
- Empathy, Attention and Respect
3. Understanding their fear based logic
- Be watchful of signs that they may feel abandoned by you, the slightest actions, such as looking away while they are talking, may make them feel abandoned.
- Do not argue with their logic, this won’t be productive because their fears are not based in logical thinking.
4. Focusing on tasks
- Keep clients focused by having them perform tasks such as writing lists, gathering information, etc. Tasks will help the high conflict client move from a right brain (emotional) to a left brain (logic) orientation. They lack the ability to reach agreement when they are fixated on the emotional context of the dispute.
5. Maintain a Healthy Skepticism
- Always reality test any potential solutions and remain skeptical of high conflict personality’s information.
6. Using indirect confrontations
- Rely on policies when confrontations are necessary. Such as, “We have a policy that requires us to ….”
7. Emphasizing their Strengths
- Focus on the high conflict person’s strength, rather than their weakness. Have them use their strengths for the betterment of the session.
8. Educating about consequences
- Help high conflict clients understand the consequences to their actions. And also prepare for a breach of contract / agreement.
9. Include a positive advocate
- A positive advocate for the high conflict client could help build a bridge to the agreement.
10. Recommendations
- Suggest at least three options for the agreement and let the high conflict party tinker with the solution.
More information on this topic maybe found at the website http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
For a copy of the handouts from Bill Eddy's presentation: Click TAPM Annual Meeting 2009 Handouts
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